before his presence

It was months back I should have been starting throwing out words but…. as a typical explanation; time renounced me from articulating the occurrences into lexis. My lengthy moment of deducing and marveling, how the boy inside my womb looks like, ended four months ago. Ahmad Haziq Baihaqi; the dearest gift from Allah. He is hoped to have all wit and aptitude as how we named him. Two episodes of miscarriage before, Haziq’s presence brings our fears to a halt , replaced by the utmost glory.

Three weeks of delayed menses, I supposed something was about to happen. Without telling Abe, I bought two sets of pregnancy test kit (why two?) from nearby Guardian (not that near …still have to drive to Giant Batu Caves) and was very excited to do the test. The test should be done the first thing when you get up in the morning. Unfortunately my zeal could not wait any longer. (It was afternoon, 3p.m.). Paying no heed to the clock, I did the test and few minutes later the second stroke became visible. I had no idea how did my emotion responses to the affirmation stroke. I kept the affecting reaction to myself. I had another set of pregnancy test. I believed that I should keep the appearing blue line for me alone first.. Yeah laaaaaa.. it was 3p.m.. The results might go incorrect. Perhaps the HcG read something else. Hikhik… The next morning, as being instructed at the back of the pregnancy test box, I went straight to the toilet and repeated the test. Then I counted 1.. 2.. before I finished counting until 3, the blue line come into sight very obviously.

Seeing that blue line on a pregnancy test is a life-changing moment. But once the news has sunk in, what’s going to happen to me next? I have seen the blue line twice before. Yet nothing altered my married days. It was only me and Abe. Now that I know I was pregnant (again) there was only one thing in my mind. Thinking about my new growing baby would take up every waking moment, and it was very hard to concentrate on anything else. I had an insatiable desire to read everything on pregnancy and fetal development, especially about the baby’s “week”.

Shadowed by two miscarriage in a year, I did not loss the bliss and innocence of carrying a baby. I was happy and grateful. But yes, sometimes I can’t help re-live the traumatic experience. At times I tend to think that I am someone to whom bad things could befall. Sense of confidence and peace was every so often vague. However, with the help and support from Abe, our family, Ahmad Haziq Baihaqi arrived at this world without a scratch and he was beginning to walk the life passage with us.